Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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