My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
