Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
