I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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