my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
