moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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