Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
