I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
no, he came in my armpit
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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