I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
