all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
