Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
