Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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