Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
