My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
