We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
