I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
