Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
