I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
