yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
