Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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