It was confusing and full of hummus
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
