At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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