Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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