I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
