I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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