Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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