her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize