gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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