Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
