His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
