3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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