pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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