I seem to have left my pride at pride
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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