How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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