There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
