Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize