Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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