i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
