I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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