dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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