I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
my poor anus
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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