Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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