you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
