Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
