yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize