There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
