need another drink. this is the easiest way
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Your cock deserves a montage
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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