How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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