i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
