Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
