Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
