I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
