i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
porn star boner night. come get it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
