1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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