Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
