I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
