Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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