i wish peter jackson would direct porn
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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