that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
