I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
