I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
