i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
