just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize