I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
