Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
