I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
