you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I had to cum in my sink.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
