last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
