i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
