Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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