last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
