She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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