Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
